Leives In The Air
by Orrick
Summary: Leif has to battle Reavers and bees all in one story.


"It's not that we don't like you...you're an awesome guy. We just don't like you." Simon played with his fingernail nervously, not meeting their guest's gaze.

"What? That's absurd. Everybody likes me. N00BZ!"

Leif K-Brooks had been a guest on Serenity for three days, and when they finally landed on Persephone, Mal had decided to discard of him. All of the crew was standing in the cargo bay, guns poised at the programmer. Well, Inara just had this needle thingy, and Book was aiming at Leif's knee, but whatever.

"You've caused too many issues aboard this boat for me to allow you to travel any further." Mal's gruff voice rang across the gray interior design. Simon quickly scuttled behind the larger and better hung man, screeching.

"What did I do?" Leif started to do his bear growl, but Inara stopped him.

"No, just no. We all saw it; we don't need to see it again." Inara sighed. At the whore's voice, Leif blushed, digging the toe of his custom designed Reeboks covered in faux fur. Leif could never harm an animal.

"Well, for starters, you impaled Wash with a pole, almost killing him, mid-flight. Therefore, almost killing all of us." Mal paused for a moment, biting his bottom lip in thought. "We had to get Kaylee and Wash to reprogram the whole ship's database thingy, which took about an hour and a lot of numbers." Malcolm squinted, deep thought washing over his battle-scarred face. "I think it had something to do with files, but I'm not sure."

Leif rolled his tiny eyes. "Puh-lease. That's baby stuff. I've already installed about a million Trojans in the system's main frame, practically burning it into the wiring and script. No way can your stupid pilot and mechanic get through that. It'd take decades." Leif puffed his chest out pridefully, and Zoe growled.

"You talk nonsense." Mal waved his hand in dismissal at the inferior human. "All nonsense." Leif started to say "n00b!" but Jayne strode up and punched him in his scrunched up face.

"You forget no one cares." Jayne positioned his knitted orange hat carefully on his melon sized head, grinning when he got it in the spot that made him look the most badass. Meanwhile, Kaylee was slowly inching away from the group.

"Guys, I don' mean ta be ruin' it 'n al', bu' who the heyll gav' Rivah a gun?" Kaylee made a run for the next room, gasping for breath when she reached it. She peeked carefully out when she had recovered her cheery, annoying nature.

Mal sighed. "Kaylee. Nobody can understand you." He glared at the animated mechanic, rubbing his chest in a soothing yet manly way.

Leif gave a girly huff, throwing his hands up in the air. "She's saying Spaz Chick over there has acquired a gun, us oblivious to the action." Leif did his bear growl despite the reacting growl of Inara. "And you." He turned on the sophisticated man-fucker. "Making fun of my growl like that. I'll send Wesc on your whoring ass. He'll show you a rough time."

Simon, who was currently looking down, looked up nervously. "Guyz, I just got a hard on." He looked down again. "GUYS. GUYS. IT'S GETTING BIGGER."

River pranced up to her brother. "One must relieve this boner, lusting after provocative female. One must find this female and mate with her, becoming one flesh, producing child. Only then can you be released from male sexual desires."

Leif looked confused. "I finally get it now." He did a "Yipee!" in the air. "Maybe now my girlfriend will let me see her boobs!" Just as his manfest was at a height, a group of hungry Reavers staggered up. Kaylee rolled her eyes.

"Now WHO left the front door open?" She placed her hands delicately on her hips, glaring at each of the crew members.

The head Reaver scrambled over to Leif, sniffing his hair. Leif smiled sexily. "It's Nature's Gate. You like?" Pools of seduction dripped from his voice.

The second Reaver growled, eying the first Reaver as if to say it was time for dinner. The first Reaver barked something to his platoon of thirty Reavers. A long, angry tirade spewed out of its dead lips, and the Reaver group started to circle Leif. Leif grew angry. "Do you KNOW who I am? Apparently not. You don't seem to be the type to use Omegle." He snorted arrogantly. "I see you lack penis. That's probably why."

"Um, we need to get out of here." Book scrunched up his face. "Just sacrifice the boy."

Kaylee put her hand over her mouth from her spot. "I think he's..." She gulped. "Catholic. How will he get past Heaven's Gate?" She gasped at her own words, and started to cry for Leif.

Leif was unscathed by the Reavers. "I'll hack u! Better watch out! I know how to use my command prompt!"

The main Reaver got confused, and then angry. It let out a low moan, sounding almost sexual. Leif returned the gesture with his infamous bear growl. Taken back, the Reaver paused for a minute before it attacked, signaling for the rest to do the same.

Mal rubbed his stubble-covered chin thoughtfully. Distracted, he absentmindedly said, "Hm. I probably need to shave soon." Inara quickly agreed, not wanting to feel thorn's on the captain's face when they end up having hot, steamy sex, which she always thought would happen that night.

River attempted to shoot the Reavers, but Simon screamed and threw himself in the bullet's path, getting struck in the shoulder. Bawling like a baby, he told River tearfully, "Now River, we must never harm our forest friends. Leif told me this as we chatted over salad."

Leif, hearing this, responded angrily. "Fuk u! I haet u! Ur stoopid and Kaylee will never like u! Bitch!" Just as he finished, a Reaver landed a heavy paw-like hand on Leif's face, curving it so it clawed at his eyes. This successfully ripped his face off and muffled his cries.

"We shouldn't help him. He deserves this, and should take it like a man." Jayne growled, pacing back and forth. He had grown to where his chest naturally puffed out, so he wouldn't have to do it when he was being arrogant.

Leif was flailing his skinny arms around, screaming that he could grow a beard if he wanted and that fleshlights were too hard to clean. Simon blushed like a tomato at that last comment, putting the tips of his fingers on his soft, pink lips. Everybody ignored that.

Serenity started to rise. Wash had managed to get past Leif's weak firewalls and into most of the basic controls. As he rose the firefly-like ship up, it tilted slightly. The Reavers started to scream and claw at the floor as they flew out, the main one taking one last sentimental chunk out of Leif's disattached leg with its teeth. As the wind cleared and settled, the Serenity crew started to clap when they saw Leif's mutilated body parts spread around the now bloody floor.

"I will avenge this...n00bz! You will pay-ow!" Leif cried out as a swarm of bees circled his head, stinging him. One buzzed over to a certain, unusually small body part of his. "Not my penis!" He screeched, rolling his head over as the bee perched gracefully on his wang, stinging it with such a strong force the pain shot through the floor, entering Leif's head. "Ouchies! That hurt." He paused, using a theoretical arm to rub the theoretical sore he felt on his head. "Bee n00b!"

The bees swarmed over the cargo bay, picking up up his body parts by grasping his skin with their stingers. Leif felt it all. "OOOOWWWWWWCCCHHHIIIEES." When the bees found they could not fit his body parts in the hole they entered the ship in, they only had one option. As they devoured the programmer's flesh, the crew started to clap again, until Leif K-Brooks was only a few crumbs. The bees exited the ship quietly, one heading back to caress the cheek of each crew member softly.

As it flew out, the crew mumbled and started to go to their bunks. But OMG TWIST. Badger jumped from behind a box, his hands in the air. "Ah-hah!" He screeched running in circles. "I have got you! You didn't think you could just land on Persephone and not expect me, did you?" Mal was about to be confused, but Badger pulled off a face mask, revealing Leif. The crew gasped as Leif grinned. "I cloned myself two seconds before the bees carried the crumbs of my corpse out. All I needed was one good DNA sample, I got it from the crumb of my wang, and I was. Good. To. Go." He laughed. "Similar to God, I practically created myself." Pausing, he grinned again, but this time in a sadistic, psychopathic way. "And now I must kill you!"

River darted out a hand, and Leif collapsed. "That failed." She murmured, a small smirk forming on her lips. "One must be quick and with stealth if urge to kill arises. Everybody knows that." She looked up, eyes lit. "He could have stayed in the Badger suit, and we never would have known." Leif's crumpled body remained on the floor, twitching.

Mal sighed. He nudged the twenty year old boy with his foot, and Leif flinched. Mal gave a grunt as he picked up Leif's frail, one hundred pound body. "Wash, open the door."

"Aye, Captian!" Wash said cheerfully over the intercom.

The whole Firefly crew cheered as Leif's body rolled out of the ship and into the sky.


End file.
